Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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