Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
