She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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