i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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