Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize