I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She told me I should be a condom model.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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