so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm getting married
To pizza
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
