I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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