Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
