Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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