whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
