I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize