i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
