When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
