I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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