Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
