My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
