Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
