I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
