I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
