this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
