What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
