In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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