Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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