Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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