Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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