I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
