i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
