She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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