I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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