P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
