Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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