Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
