My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
