Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
