I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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