she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
