i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
