***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize