Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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