Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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