Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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