The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
