Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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