New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm too high and old for this...
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