I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
this will be a night to untag.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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