I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
