My friends, they love my intelligence
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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