Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
