Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
