If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
