my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
