By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
