I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I touched a dick in church today
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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