operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize