Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
