Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
