im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
