i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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