I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
