Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He shit in the fireplace
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
