There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
