i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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