It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize